Friday Five: Nice face pubes

I remember one of my cousins said that to me one time a few years ago: Nice face pubes. Kind of a gross way to refer to facial hair, huh? But she's right, that's what they are. Facial hair is a sign of sexual maturity. Not everyone can grow good facial hair, but the presence of a good face-do definitely signals virility and manliness, does it not?

Of course I say this as I sit here with the playoff beard I'd grown in honor of my now-fallen Detroit Red Wings. It's long, it's bushy, it's unkempt and now I need to decide what to do with it. For the time being, I'll probably just keep it as a full beard, just more trimmed down. But these are my all-time favorite facial hair styles, ones I either have executed myself, or would if I could.



5. Jesse "The Devil" Hughes of Eagles of Death Metal: Nice sideburns, huge, gingery mustache and a bushy soul patch. This is seriously aggressive facial hair, particularly when he's got his aviator sunglasses on and it's like, all you see is that mustache, spitting the rawk at you. Nobody else does this, it's totally his own.



4. The handlebar: There are a lot of ways to do a handlebar, but I think this daguerreotype of a gentleman from the 19th century shows a classic and understated, yet striking style. The ends are waxed, but they're not overly showy. Today, some motorcycle riders have taken to growing a modified fu manchu and calling it handlebars. Nice try, bikers, but there's only one kind of handlebar mustache, and at least part of it has to actually leave the surface of your face to qualify.



3. The fu manchu: The absolute best fu manchus form a perfect horseshoe from the lip straight down the chin and even hang off the edge of the chin like hairy daggers. This one here is more of an American-style fu manchu, the kind a lot of white guys would wear. But the pencil-thin Oriental style is nice, too. Whatever you can pull off.



2. Stubble: Popularized and then driven into the ground by the TV show "Miami Vice" in the 1980s, the stubble look has caught a lot of flack over the last couple of decades. It takes a certain kind of guy to properly execute stubble and I'm happy to say I think I'm one of them. It takes a certain attitude, it takes a certain consistency of growth, and you should avoid looking greasy and dirty if you try to do this in everyday life, because then it really does just look like you're lazy. And then you need a whole lot more attitude to make it work. Or you could be trapped on a rugged island in the Pacific Ocean like Sawyer here.



1. Whatever the hell Triple H does (I call it the Stonewall Jackson because it looks like something a Civil War general would wear): You take the power and impact of well-trimmed muttonchops and contour them to a strong jawline (that of a professional wrestler, say). Then you connect those chops northward into an impressive and stylish mustache, creating an incredible facial hair experience from all viewing angles. From the front, it's a magnificent white-man fu manchu. From either side, it's awesome chops and the mustache experience. I can't say enough about the Stonewall/Triple H. I'm not a huge fan of him as a wrestler, but his facial hair style is unmatched. I may actually try this when I carve into the beard in the near future, and if I execute it well, I'll take a picture of myself and share it, regardless of whether I can summon up the cojones to leave the house with it. To be frank, I don't think I've got a bold enough personality.